Mother’s Day When Your Mother Doesn’t Care That Much About You

I saw a series of photos online today that showed mothers and daughters on the daughters’ wedding day. The pictures, must of which showed the bride getting ready for her wedding, were full of joy and caring. When I look at these pictures, I can’t help but feel wistful. My mother had no interest in being involved with any aspect of planning her daughters’ weddings. Nor did she want the traditional scene of helping her daughter dress. My mother didn’t want to be with me to adjust my hair or zip up my dress or tell me that she was happy for me. She did, however, want me to do her laundry after the reception.

It’s 3:00 on Mother’s Day, and I am ambivalent about calling her. It’s not that she doesn’t love me in her own way. It’s accepting that her way of loving anyone else is so shallow. I know she feels love, but she does not feel for her children. We have always been valued for meeting her needs. She has always been unable and unwilling to think about ours. She’s never known how to comfort us or think about what is in our interest. She has always been so preoccupied with her own.

I know she can’t really help it. Her obliviousness to us and her singular focus on her fears and needs comes from her brain wiring. That’s just a harsh fact I have to accept.

She takes me down from the shelf in her mind when she needs me. Otherwise, I don’t hear from her. I’ll call at some point today. I’ll listen to whatever she is worried about and try to calm her fears. I know the limits of the relationship. But there’s still a deep part of me that can’t give up hoping for more.

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4 thoughts on “Mother’s Day When Your Mother Doesn’t Care That Much About You

  1. ttmcgutters

    I know this is an old post, but had to comment.
    I couldn’t visit my mum on mothers day this year, I had a panic attack and couldn’t go. I have been seeing a therapist, and it brought up a lot of stuff for me. I told my mum that I had a panic attack, and she said she was sorry to hear that. She never asked me about it again…

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    1. ttmcgutters

      what I want to say is that I agree with you about mothers day being hard… like you my mum had no interest in helping plan my wedding, I tried to include her, but she ended up letting me down. I arranged for her and my mother in law and dad to come to see my wedding dress… it was the first time they were all meeting, and my mum didn’t show up… After 15 minutes I called her, and she said she was still in bed… her routine is to get up, have 2 cups of tea, then go back to bed and read, she would then have 2 more and then come out… she hadn’t completed this routine yet, so she said she would come when she was ready to get up. She eventually turned up, and afterwards I took her shopping for new clothes as arranged, when I told her I was hurt, she just got angry and asked if I was going to go on about it all day!

      So when mothers day comes, I get a card saying to the “worlds best mum” as I was once forgot to get a card and only got a gift and she was furious… but it feels hollow, a lie…

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    2. sarahmeyernoel Post author

      I’m glad you’ve found a therapist to help you. I hope it’s helpful. It’s help a lot for my siblings and me to talk about our mother. It makes so much difference to talk to someone who really understands. People who have loving parents have a hard time getting what it’s like when you don’t have that basic foundation in your childhood. Best wishes for you.

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